Twice the Nightmares

I had a bad dream last night, two bad dreams actually. One that woke me up at 3am, in it we had taken the boys to the growth specialist who looked over them and noticed how their soft spots on their heads haven't closed yet. She was very concerned, and right then I woke up... ugh, I hate that when you're in the middle of the dream and you wake up at the most crucial point in the dream!!! The dream made me worried, so I got up and goggled "soft spots when they close". What I found was babies soft spots actually don't closed until they are a year. OK, I feel a bit better now, it was just a nightmare, the boys are fine so I will go back to bed. 

I then had another dream at 6am. We were taking the boys to their 9 month check up, we walked right into their doctors office and he told us we would have to life flight the boys to new Mexico (why new Mexico I have no clue!) as an emergency. When we asked the doctor why he just said it was because of the specialist appointment. Worried, I asked why, what was wrong? The doctor said the specialist found something in the boys blood... and right then I woke up. And I cried. 

I think there is two reasons I am having these nightmares. First because the boys doctors appointments are coming up, the growth specialist appointment is this Thursday and their 9 month check up is at the end of this month. Linden is going to see the growth specialist because he isn't even on the charts for his adjusted age in height. Nolan is in the 2% for his height for his adjusted age, so even though he is small they are not as concerned about him because he is at least on the chart. The boys are doing good with their weight, so the concern is more their height. Their doctor is fully expecting the growth specialist to just end up saying that it is just because they are preemies that they are just small, but it still worries me. The truth is any doctors appointment or check up gives me anxiety, it takes me back to the worries and fears I had in the NICU and how helpless I felt there. I just don't ever want to go back to the place where my babies were sick. I guess I am just still healing from the traumatic experience of the NICU.  

The second reasons for the nightmares is last night I learned that a friend, a lady who I looked up to and admired past away after her long fight with breast cancer. When I was 12 years old my mother lost her battle with breast cancer, so when I heard that Sandra had passed it kind of subconsciously just takes me back and triggers fears of sickness and now that I have babies fears of them getting sick. Brad and I had met Sandra when we started interning at Surrey Pentecostal Assembly during Bible College. Sandra was a rock in our last church back in Canada, she always radiated such joy, love and an unshakable faith despite her sickness. I will never forget the day Brad preached on a Sunday morning and mentioned how he loved country music, right after service Sandra sought him out and started asking him if he heard of this and that country music artist, many of whom Brad didn't know, she exclaimed "and you say you're a country music fan?!". Her son was in our youth group, he reflected that same type of joy that his mother had, as many pastors in the ministry know parents are a vital part of your youth ministry. As a youth pastor you are there not only there for your students but to support and be a resource to their parents too. Sandra was a wonderful parent to work with, and as a pastor she was a dream to have in your church. She was always so encouraging and loving personally to Brad and I, always telling us we were doing a good job, she made me feel like she saw our hearts and understood our love for the kids. 

On mother's day Sandra took the time to wish me a first happy mother's day to me on facebook. And on May 12th she sent me this message: 

"Hey Jamie. Blessings to you and your family my sister. Your babies are looking stronger, healthier, and more beautiful each day. I pray that the Lord, our father in heaven, will help you and Brad in every way necessary to keep up the excellent work you are doing, blessings to all of your family." 

I was so blessed by her words to me on facebook. Sandra was good at making you feel special, I know she always made me feel that way. Sandra was certainly one of those true gems in the world. There is something about those past friends who you can pick right back off where you left off at, those past church members who still root for you and send their love even though you don't go to their church anymore. So often church members can become bitter and jaded because of church politics and loose the focus of the core reason why the church exists. I am thankful for her example of love that she showed me.

Lord, my prayer is that you would help me to radiate your love and joy, help me to be someone who loves others the way you have loved me.